The Golden Rule

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When we talk about parenting like you mean it, do we sometimes mean what we say and HOW we say it when we talk to our children? Do we frequently talk to our children in belittling or demeaning ways?    Do we put behavior on auto pilot and assume that they know that we have the best of intentions when we talk to them?  As a mother, I often feel like people who don’t really know me get the best version of me.  My kids get the worst versions of me.  Why do I treat my children worse than people I don’t really know?  Do I put on a show for others?  Am I really being authentic and genuine?  

 

I read a story that caught my eye that illustrates the point that I am trying to make.   I found this story in the book, “Between Parent and Child” by Dr. Haim G. Ginott.  He shares the following:

 

“A college student, dressed in jeans, was crossing the street when a cab driver almost hit him. Infuriated, the cabbie started to berate him: "Why don't you watch where you're going, you bum! You wanna get killed? Maybe you need your mother to hold your hand!" The young man raised himself to his full height and calmly asked, "Is this the way you talk to a doctor?" The driver became contrite and apologized. (p. 193)

 

This story has caused me to pause and reflect on my own behavior towards my family. Would I talk this way to my doctor, a police officer or the lady checking out my groceries at the grocery store?  Absolutely not.  I probably would not have very many friends if that were the case.  Unfortunately, this scenario plays out in our families at times. After reading this story, I feel like I sometimes am guilty of not treating my kids with respect and kindness.  I in turn, expect and demand this type of behavior from my kids.   If our kids get the worst of our behavior, they just can’t choose if they want to live with us or not.  They are stuck.  So, the question becomes, how do we treat our children with the same kindness we would show to a stranger?  

 

Laurence Steinberg in his book, “The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting”, offers this advice when we feel tempted to act out in this way, “Most of the time, when parents are excessively harsh, it's because they've reacted quickly and in anger. When you are disciplining your child about something that's just happened, take a deep breath before you speak and choose your words deliberately. Be mindful about what you say and how you say it. One of the most important things you have going for you as a parent is that your child comes into the world with a natural desire to please you. When you use harsh discipline, whether it is verbal or physical, you gradually erode this inclination. You may get away with harsh verbal discipline when your child is little, but by the time he has turned eight or nine, you will have cashed in all of your emotional chips. You can't afford to do that. You've still got a lot of child rearing ahead of you.” (Steinberg, p.153)

 

Our time with our children is so fleeting and precious. May we not ruin it by consistently cashing in our “emotional chips” with outbursts and harsh discipline.   We have the opportunity as parents to teach our children how to behave.  I love the universal message of the Golden Rule, “Treat others the way you want to be treated.”  Think about how this applies in our families.  If we want our children to treat each other nicely, we should treat them nice ourselves.  If we want our children to learn to be kind to their peers.  We should show them that same kindness and show them how to be kind. If we want our children to not be physically abusive.  They should not learn abusive behaviors from the way we discipline them. If we demand respect, we should show respect.  The examples could go on and on.   Lessons they learn from us as their parents, whether they are good or bad, will be hard to undo. I love the following scriptures that can help us in our parenting.  In Proverbs 22:6 we read, “Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”  In Ephesians chapter 6 verse 4 it says, “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in nurture and admonition of the Lord.”  As parents, may we use the time we have been given with our children wisely!  May we treat them with the love and respect that they deserve so that they will have the desire to emulate our example! May we parent like we mean it!

Works Cited:

 

Ginott, Haim G., 1965, Between parent and child, Three Rivers Press. Reformatted by BYU-Idaho for accessibility purposes, November, 11, 2020.

 

 

Steinberg, Laurence; 2004; The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting; Simon & Schuster Paperbacks. Reformatted by BYU-Idaho for accessibility purposes, February 20th, 2018.

Be not Dismayed

We live in a very troubling world.   As a parent of six children, I have spent many sleepless nights wondering how I am to raise children in such a wicked world.  In just the past few months and years, the definition of the family has changed, you can "choose" which gender you want to be, and morals are old fashioned and totally irrelevant.  To add to the stress of it all, kids have 24-hour access to any information they desire.  Their social lives are defined by how many "likes" they get on a photo or how many "virtual" friends they have.  Parents have the pressures to constantly say yes and the consequences are becoming disastrous. I recently read this article about how we are raising kids to be narcissist.  The author points out, "In our fast-paced technological age, we are witnessing an upsurge in what some see as the normalization of narcissism—not garden-variety self-regard, but pathological self-absorption. And I can’t help but make the connection between a generation of approval-needy children and one of parents whose heads are buried in their smartphones. Perhaps, while we are simply too busy to notice, we are using praise as a sort of shorthand: the “like” button on Facebook, the thumbs-up emoticon in a text message. If all a child needs to do to get that endorphin-y hit of approval is grab two seconds of our time, then this will become the norm, the model for proper engagement.

These are just some of the battles that modern parents are fighting. One might ask, "What am I to teach my kids so they know who they are and how to safely get back to their Heavenly Father?"  Thankfully, we have not been left alone.  Heavenly Father in His wisdom and love, has sent prophets and apostles to guide us and to help us know how to accomplish this great task!

In "A Parent's Guide", published by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we find valuable insight on how to keep our families safe from these evil ideologies.  I am grateful to read words like these from President Spencer W. Kimball:

“‘So, God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. …’
“The bodies of men and the bodies of women were created differently so they complemented each other, so that the union of the two would bring a conception which would bring a living soul into the world. …
“Now we must emphasize here that the Lord made man and woman, male and female to reproduce after their kind, and in the billions of unions there has continued to come a male or a female. Their bodies are still so formed that they will continue to the end of time in producing male or female, the spirit children of God. …
“This was the normal, proper way to preserve the total program, to bring souls into the world and to give them opportunities for growth.
“Let no carnal mind decide in his or her feigned brilliance or pretended wisdom that a mistake was made. The whole program was intelligently organized to bring children into the world with love and filial interdependence. Had the superficial ideas of many mortals of today prevailed, the world, the human race, and all proper things would long ago have come to an end” (“The Lord’s Plan for Men and Women,” Ensign, Oct. 1975, p. 4)."

 

We can also turn to the scriptures as a source of guidance.  In Deuteronomy 31:8 we read, "And the Lord, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed."  Heavenly Father wants our children to return back to Him more than we as their parents do.  He sent His spirit children into our homes for us to teach them how.  As I lay awake worrying, my mind catches hold upon these truths: We have been given many tools to help us navigate this wicked world and we are made equal to the task.  I hope that we as parents will cling to the counsel of our prophets and apostles.  They are the mouthpiece for our Father in Heaven.  As we look to them for guidance, they can help us distinguish the Lords path from the world’s path.  We will have the eyes to see through the ideologies that would be harmful to our children and our families.  In this tricky quest, May we parent like we mean it!

Works Cited:

Canva, n.d.

 

Pocock, J. (2017, February 22). “Are we Spoiling our kids with too Much Praise?”. JSTOR Daily

            https://daily.jstor.org/are-we-spoiling-our-kids-with-too-much-praise/

 

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (1985). A Parent’s Guide. Chapter 4: Teaching Children: from Four to Eleven ( pp. 27)

Parent Like You Mean It!!!

Parent like you mean it.  What does that even mean?  Our kids are really good at reading between the lines.  They mirror our behavior in many ways.  I have notices that when I am feeling stressed, my kids will usually act out in stressful ways.  For example, at this very moment I am feeling stressed. My four-year-old son is trying to find his Spiderman costume and has no idea where it is.  I have no idea where it is either and I am ignoring him to type this blog post.  He in turn is acting out by screaming and crying. It is normal for him to have this reaction.  His behavior started with me feeling stressed. He is mirroring my stressed by acting out that he can't find his costume.  When our kids behave in this way, I think it is important to look inward and see what vibes we are giving off.  We might solve some of the problem by changing our energy. 

 Dr. John D. Rich from Delaware State University gives 3 examples of how we can control our stress so that our we have more energy to give our children.   He advises the following:

"1) Pay attention to your stress. Try your best to put your worries aside when your child needs help. Those worries will still be there after you offer your assistance. Even when you're totally pressed, you can still say to your child, "Listen. I am really busy today and don't have a lot of time. But I want to be with you, even if I can't give you too much right now. How about we just hang out and talk or play for 15 minutes? We can talk about or do anything you want." Surely, you can find 15 minutes to give your son or daughter some undivided attention. She'll understand, she'll appreciate your effort, and the time away from your problems could be good for you too!"

"2) Watch your interactions. Even when you don't mean it, hasty, hostile, and annoyed words can stick with your child for quite a while. My hope is that being more aware of how stress can take some of your mental reserves away and make you more likely to be triggered by small inconveniences, can give you the capacity to step outside yourself and think metacognitively about how you want to communicate with your child when she is in need. It's ok to tell her that you don't have the time right now, but it would be best to tell her that in a calm, loving tone, then to mix what you have to say with emotions you're feeling that have nothing to do with her."

"3) Get support. One of the best ways to lessen your stress is to have a social network. This could be family members, friends, people at a place of worship, or members of a club to which you belong. You don't necessarily need someone to babysit your children, or to take care of some of your chores. Sometimes, all you need is someone to go out with you and let you have some fun. The more isolated you are, the harder it is to be resilient and compartmentalize your stress. Stress is real. Stress is distracting. Stress is...stressful. Take note of your stress levels as they fluctuate throughout the day. The more aware you are of how you're feeling, the more you can keep your anxieties from attaching themselves to your parenting. This is hard work, this introspection and emotional control. In the long run, though, it's worth the investment."

 

As we take time to show up physically and emotionally for our children, they will see the change in us and hopefully desire to mirror the positive changes we have made. When we shift our course from negative one to a positive, we are building the foundation to have better outcomes in our parenting.  If we realize we are stressed, maybe we need to reach out and get support.  If we consciously try to be less annoyed and hostile in our interaction with our children, we will have less guilt for responding to them in a negative way.  To avoid the situation, I am currently in with my son, I could make time for the things that I need to get done when he is sleeping.  This would free up time for him and allow me to really focus on the things I need to do.  These small changes can make a big impact in the way we feel about our parenting. These changes can help us parent like we mean it!

Works Cited:

Stressed out parents.(2017, October 31). Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/parenting-purpose/201710/stressed-out-parents