Parent like you mean it. What does that even mean? Our kids are really good at reading between the lines. They mirror our behavior in many ways. I have notices that when I am feeling stressed, my kids will usually act out in stressful ways. For example, at this very moment I am feeling stressed. My four-year-old son is trying to find his Spiderman costume and has no idea where it is. I have no idea where it is either and I am ignoring him to type this blog post. He in turn is acting out by screaming and crying. It is normal for him to have this reaction. His behavior started with me feeling stressed. He is mirroring my stressed by acting out that he can't find his costume. When our kids behave in this way, I think it is important to look inward and see what vibes we are giving off. We might solve some of the problem by changing our energy.
Dr. John D. Rich from Delaware State University gives 3 examples of how we can control our stress so that our we have more energy to give our children. He advises the following:
"1) Pay attention to your stress. Try your best to put your worries aside when your child needs help. Those worries will still be there after you offer your assistance. Even when you're totally pressed, you can still say to your child, "Listen. I am really busy today and don't have a lot of time. But I want to be with you, even if I can't give you too much right now. How about we just hang out and talk or play for 15 minutes? We can talk about or do anything you want." Surely, you can find 15 minutes to give your son or daughter some undivided attention. She'll understand, she'll appreciate your effort, and the time away from your problems could be good for you too!"
"2) Watch your interactions. Even when you don't mean it, hasty, hostile, and annoyed words can stick with your child for quite a while. My hope is that being more aware of how stress can take some of your mental reserves away and make you more likely to be triggered by small inconveniences, can give you the capacity to step outside yourself and think metacognitively about how you want to communicate with your child when she is in need. It's ok to tell her that you don't have the time right now, but it would be best to tell her that in a calm, loving tone, then to mix what you have to say with emotions you're feeling that have nothing to do with her."
"3) Get support. One of the best ways to lessen your stress is to have a social network. This could be family members, friends, people at a place of worship, or members of a club to which you belong. You don't necessarily need someone to babysit your children, or to take care of some of your chores. Sometimes, all you need is someone to go out with you and let you have some fun. The more isolated you are, the harder it is to be resilient and compartmentalize your stress. Stress is real. Stress is distracting. Stress is...stressful. Take note of your stress levels as they fluctuate throughout the day. The more aware you are of how you're feeling, the more you can keep your anxieties from attaching themselves to your parenting. This is hard work, this introspection and emotional control. In the long run, though, it's worth the investment."
As we take time to show up physically and emotionally for our children, they will see the change in us and hopefully desire to mirror the positive changes we have made. When we shift our course from negative one to a positive, we are building the foundation to have better outcomes in our parenting. If we realize we are stressed, maybe we need to reach out and get support. If we consciously try to be less annoyed and hostile in our interaction with our children, we will have less guilt for responding to them in a negative way. To avoid the situation, I am currently in with my son, I could make time for the things that I need to get done when he is sleeping. This would free up time for him and allow me to really focus on the things I need to do. These small changes can make a big impact in the way we feel about our parenting. These changes can help us parent like we mean it!
Works Cited:
Stressed out parents.(2017, October 31). Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/parenting-purpose/201710/stressed-out-parents
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